Tonight, all of my hard work has come to fruition: I found that for which I have been searching.
Why, you might ask, the sad post title? Because it's all been for a toothbrush. A crappy, out-dated, plain-old toothbrush. And I am just so excited about it.
See, our house was built in 1960, right at the peak of awesome ceramic fixtures-- including toothbrush holders. And just like the one-car garages that barely fit a mid-sized sedan, the builders of the day didn't anticipate the SUV-like growth of toothbrush handles. (An interesting side-note: There are six places to hold toothbrushes, which highlights significant societal difference from the present-day 4)
Lo, toothbrushexpress.com, which helpeth me taketh better care of my teeth and gums, and also offers this cute little guy on their front page:

So, I have ordered two different types of Ultra Slim Classic Toothbrushes in order to pay homage to 1960. Thank you.