So Graham and I have been visiting a Presbyterian Church in Dallas, Providence Presbyterian, the last few weeks. It has been good, but hard at the same time. I didn't realize how easy it was to make friends and put yourself out there as a college student. I am also learning it is a lot different as an adult. That's fine though, in the end I will end up maturing and learning how interact with people who aren't college students and that's good. Haha.
So last night we had a young peoples gathering with the young people from Providence. It was also then that I remembered I get so intimidated by a backyard full of people I don't know. Luckily, these people are very nice and I met one girl who pretty much said, "Hey let me walk you around and introduce you to people." It definitely boosted my confidence, but I still remembered I am an introvert by nature and do much better with a group of small people than a room full. I tend to cower in room full of people and will stand off by myself until someone talks to me, whereas with a smaller group I get noticed that I am standing alone and I am forced to chat. I am slightly stubborn and need to be forced.
So while all these people are standing around chatting, I am aching for the food to be served so I can sit at a table with just 5 other people. This was the best part of the whole night. Graham sat on one of side of the table with the guys and I sat on the other side with some girls. I ended up chatting with a girl who reminds me of someone, but I can't put my finger on who. I guess that's why I felt so comfortable talking to her. She was God's encouragement to me that I am not the only one moving from a church where you grew up spiritually and had friends as close as family. She has been at Providence for about 2 and a half years, but she mentioned still struggling with similar things I am struggling with in being in a new place and in a new church. I wanted to just cry right there. Not only that but she came from a Bible church and mentioned missing a lot of the things from the Bible church that Presbyterian churches don't necessarily put a lot of emphasis on - especially if it is a planter church. I am not saying one is better than the other, they are just different. No church is perfect because it is full of sinners. We talked about desiring to "Do life" with others and being involved in our neighborhoods. It was so encouraging and I needed it so bad. I have been in dire need of a deep conversation about God, His glory, His desire for His people, and other random things with a girl. God knew I needed it even before I knew I needed it.
I think the hardest part about making new friends and being in a new place is that I just don't want to do it. I just want to be where I am comfortable and be with the people I already know. I don't like having to start at square one and start over. I don't like change. I am fighting on all fours against the change that has already happened. I feel this fighting and these changes have made me this ridiculously emotional person that I never used to be. I used to never cry and now I feel like I cry at least once a week. Little things that used to never bother me hurt my feelings. The Devil feeds me lies about other people and I believe them. It's one of those situations where I am at the end of the road and I just have to stop and tell the to Lord to take it from me. The problem is is that I don't like change, I am stubborn, and if I give it up then the change has happened and I can't take it back. It's a vicious cycle in my life that needs more serious prayer than I give it.
I feel like my posts are depressing. I might change that next time I decide to post. I guess I only feel like writing if I am sad or thinking about life or something like that.
P.S. Just wanted to mention that my husband is a Godsend and I don't think the Lord enough for his encouragement, wisdom, patience, and love.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Being lonely can even happen when you are married
Graham hassles me to post in our blog, but I just really never have much to say. That and what I want to say, I can't really say. Haha. I want to post about work and its happenings terribly bad, but I am afraid of my boss finding my blog, reading it, and getting angry or something. So many funny things (funny to me) happen at work, but I can't share them. Haha. If I speak to you in person on a frequent basis, I have probably told you several stories. I can do that because it isn't traceable, like this blog is. Anyhow...
I don't really have much going on on my side of the world. Graham pretty much covers the events of our lives. He can't really talk about what I have been thinking or feeling, you know since really I am the only one in my own brain, and lately I have been feeling terribly lonely. I know you are thinking, "You are married, how can you feel lonely?"
The loneliness I feel does not involve that part of my life. I honestly don't know how I would be able to fight the loneliness I feel without Graham beside me encouraging me. That and being married isn't all I am or my life - it is a part of my life. I am lonely in a sense that I miss having a church family, I miss having friends around the corner, I miss ministering to people, I miss serving, and I miss being invited to places and involved with people. It's so hard for others to understand and remember that just because Graham and I are married doesn't mean we don't want to see people and be a part of get togethers, events, and so forth. If we just hung out with each other and never saw other people, what purpose would we be serving? What would we be doing with our lives? In addition to that, I'm also allowed to go out without him and he without me. You know, I was told people would stop calling just because I was married, but I didn't believe it would happen to me, and actually, if it did, I didn't think it would hurt this bad. It's been a long time since I have felt this type of sadness. In fact, this blog is probably going to take several tries for me to write, just so I don't sit and bawl at the computer as I type.
And instead of just talking about my lonliness, I've been trying to figure out how to resolve and defeat it, but I don't know what to do. I hate inviting myself to things. I feel like its rude and if anybody really wanted me around they would ask me to be around. So, dead end there.
We have been visiting a church. That's a start to finding ways to minister to people, serve, and be a part of a body of believers. The hard part with this is keeping my patience and waiting to build friendships and being willing to put myself out there. It was always so easy at DBC, but then again most people were college students. I think as a College Student it is so easy to meet new people and get plugged in because everyone else is in the same boat as you. When it comes to being in a new church and meeting new people , I tend to just hide behind Graham when and I need get out of that habit.
One thing I do think I have going for me is that I own a dog. I know this sounds silly, but having a dog in an apartment complex instantly makes you friends/acquaintances with everyone else in the complex who has a dog. I miss living in community and this helps with that a lot.
You know, this is rather long and I know people don't usually read the long posts, so I am going to go ahead and end it here. Maybe I will type more later, but maybe not.
Oh and don't feel sorry for me. Pray for me instead and if you happen to be a friend of mine, invite me places so that I know my friends are my friends and that they want me around. Remember that just because I am married, doesn't make me a different person.
I don't really have much going on on my side of the world. Graham pretty much covers the events of our lives. He can't really talk about what I have been thinking or feeling, you know since really I am the only one in my own brain, and lately I have been feeling terribly lonely. I know you are thinking, "You are married, how can you feel lonely?"
The loneliness I feel does not involve that part of my life. I honestly don't know how I would be able to fight the loneliness I feel without Graham beside me encouraging me. That and being married isn't all I am or my life - it is a part of my life. I am lonely in a sense that I miss having a church family, I miss having friends around the corner, I miss ministering to people, I miss serving, and I miss being invited to places and involved with people. It's so hard for others to understand and remember that just because Graham and I are married doesn't mean we don't want to see people and be a part of get togethers, events, and so forth. If we just hung out with each other and never saw other people, what purpose would we be serving? What would we be doing with our lives? In addition to that, I'm also allowed to go out without him and he without me. You know, I was told people would stop calling just because I was married, but I didn't believe it would happen to me, and actually, if it did, I didn't think it would hurt this bad. It's been a long time since I have felt this type of sadness. In fact, this blog is probably going to take several tries for me to write, just so I don't sit and bawl at the computer as I type.
And instead of just talking about my lonliness, I've been trying to figure out how to resolve and defeat it, but I don't know what to do. I hate inviting myself to things. I feel like its rude and if anybody really wanted me around they would ask me to be around. So, dead end there.
We have been visiting a church. That's a start to finding ways to minister to people, serve, and be a part of a body of believers. The hard part with this is keeping my patience and waiting to build friendships and being willing to put myself out there. It was always so easy at DBC, but then again most people were college students. I think as a College Student it is so easy to meet new people and get plugged in because everyone else is in the same boat as you. When it comes to being in a new church and meeting new people , I tend to just hide behind Graham when and I need get out of that habit.
One thing I do think I have going for me is that I own a dog. I know this sounds silly, but having a dog in an apartment complex instantly makes you friends/acquaintances with everyone else in the complex who has a dog. I miss living in community and this helps with that a lot.
You know, this is rather long and I know people don't usually read the long posts, so I am going to go ahead and end it here. Maybe I will type more later, but maybe not.
Oh and don't feel sorry for me. Pray for me instead and if you happen to be a friend of mine, invite me places so that I know my friends are my friends and that they want me around. Remember that just because I am married, doesn't make me a different person.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Gnat Me to the Moon
Just a little story...
While waiting in line at the box office, I overheard the follow snippet of a conversation behind me:
Person 1: Fly Me to the Moon? Isn't that the movie about monkeys in space?
Person 2: No, that's Space Chimps. I think this one is about... I think gnats? I don't know.
It's about FLIES. Sheesh.
Person 1: What about Tropic Thunder?
Person 3 (in front of me, while searching through the showtimes): Chocolate Thunder? What's that?
A little silly, but it made me laugh.
Oh. We watched the Dark Knight. It was depressing. I don't like movies.
While waiting in line at the box office, I overheard the follow snippet of a conversation behind me:
Person 1: Fly Me to the Moon? Isn't that the movie about monkeys in space?
Person 2: No, that's Space Chimps. I think this one is about... I think gnats? I don't know.
It's about FLIES. Sheesh.
Person 1: What about Tropic Thunder?
Person 3 (in front of me, while searching through the showtimes): Chocolate Thunder? What's that?
A little silly, but it made me laugh.
Oh. We watched the Dark Knight. It was depressing. I don't like movies.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Sheesh, Natalie needs to write on this thing more!
Well, life in Carrollton has been fine and dandy. We are all settled into daily routines and such, we made a friend in our apartment complex (how fun!, you say), my job schedule is perfect, Natalie only has to drive 10 minutes a day (as opposed to 90+), little Maeby is being allowed to stay out of here crate for 5+ hours at a time and she's almost not peeing anywhere, except for those couple little neon green surprise spots she left us yesterday.
So, things are going well. God is sovereign and we don't have much to worry about.
I think we have probably found a church-- Providence Presbyterian Church. It seems like a very good church. It's a 3-year-old plant church from Park Cities Presbyterian, like New St. Peters is. We'll see how it goes. :)
My job is amazing. I know I've said that about all of my jobs, but this one is really really great. The company is growing and after a year of doing business, we're close to breaking even, which I've heard is great for start-ups. It's like working at UNT, but on crack. More to do, more to learn, more to earn. I was very hesitant to take the job when it was first offered to me, but I definitely am glad I did.
We are saving up to buy a house now that we'd paid off all of our debts. Here's my plan for getting the house: 1) Save up a significant down payment until 2) We are able to make minimum mortgage payments that are less than our current rent then 3) continue the rate of saving, but put the extra cash toward payment of the principle of the mortgage.
So here's a little breakdown of that: If we were to buy a house for $140,000, which is a pretty stinking nice house in the Dallas area and at the high end of what I'm willing to spend for a house at their current values and considering Natalie's great credit score (we would probably leave my name off since I have next to no credit), we would aim for a down payment of $63,000 or 45%. Assuming a 5.8% rate, that would make our monthly payment ~$650. Having paid $25,000 and a year of tuition while I was still working my student job, I think we could reach this goal within 2 years, and probably surpass it.
So, why not get a full mortgage or only make a 20% down payment like everybody else? I could definitely put that money in a mutual fund and make an 11% return long-term and just eat the mortgage payments. But I've seen what monthly interest payments can do. The lenders want you to be stuck with them for 30 years. Heck, our student loans got to the point where they didn't want another payment from us until 2016-- they want you to only pay the minimum because that's how they make the money.
Thanks mom, for the inspiration to save up cash for a house. As long as I can remember, she told us to work for a couple of years after getting married and save save save. What an incredible idea. That's what I'm doing now. :)
Okay, phew. Sorry for all of the finance talk, that's just what I focused on when I graduated, so I've become a little obsessed. Here are some other things I want to learn:
1. Get a firm grasp on the concept of the Covenant of Grace. Be able to explain paedobaptism to Natalie, because she sure doesn't want our babies being sprinkled right now. I read a book on reformed theology, just a big overview, and it was really good... there's just so much to it and the concepts are very new to me.
2. Understand myself a little better. I've been feelling a little introverted lately, slightly overwhelmed in certain social situations, which is very unfamiliar to me.
3. Learn about the history of capitialism, consumerism. Any suggestions here? I've only heard of a book called "Jobs, Machines, and Capitialism" but I'm not sure of the content.
4. Learn how to troubleshoot/debug software. I'm getting much better at troubleshooting problems on computers, but there's always room to grow here. I'm such a nerd.
5. More job-related: Learn how a doctor's office works, from when a patient walks in the door to when the check comes from the insurance company. Maybe I could find some office manager training material.
6. More job-related: Learn about routers, learn how to do a CAT5 cable drop from start to finish, learn more about VBScript (sweet language, incredibly useful).
That's all. Thanks for reading
Oh, P.S...
My new favorite song:
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Jumped in my car last Saturday night
Had a blind date she was out of sight
She was a chick from the canine scene
Her hair was blue, her teeth were green
Drove down to the Lone Star Bar
Scratched her flea as I parked the car
As the place was full of punks and minks
Got a little table and a couple of drinks
Went to the bathroom and combed my hair
Left my baby at the table there
Looked in the mirror and I wiped my nose
And when I came back, what do you suppose?
The boys in blue had my baby on the floor
They were asking her if she wanted some more
They pulled out a net, they pulled out a leash
They said they were the...
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
(awooooo)
I guess I should have noticed that box of filled bones
She sniffed the cups in my stereo phone
She barked so much she was on fire
She wented outside and whizzed on my tire
Havin’ those puppies was a little insane
But boy she loved that gravy train
Next time you’re out with a real strange beast
Make sure she’s not wanted by the....
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
So, things are going well. God is sovereign and we don't have much to worry about.
I think we have probably found a church-- Providence Presbyterian Church. It seems like a very good church. It's a 3-year-old plant church from Park Cities Presbyterian, like New St. Peters is. We'll see how it goes. :)
My job is amazing. I know I've said that about all of my jobs, but this one is really really great. The company is growing and after a year of doing business, we're close to breaking even, which I've heard is great for start-ups. It's like working at UNT, but on crack. More to do, more to learn, more to earn. I was very hesitant to take the job when it was first offered to me, but I definitely am glad I did.
We are saving up to buy a house now that we'd paid off all of our debts. Here's my plan for getting the house: 1) Save up a significant down payment until 2) We are able to make minimum mortgage payments that are less than our current rent then 3) continue the rate of saving, but put the extra cash toward payment of the principle of the mortgage.
So here's a little breakdown of that: If we were to buy a house for $140,000, which is a pretty stinking nice house in the Dallas area and at the high end of what I'm willing to spend for a house at their current values and considering Natalie's great credit score (we would probably leave my name off since I have next to no credit), we would aim for a down payment of $63,000 or 45%. Assuming a 5.8% rate, that would make our monthly payment ~$650. Having paid $25,000 and a year of tuition while I was still working my student job, I think we could reach this goal within 2 years, and probably surpass it.
So, why not get a full mortgage or only make a 20% down payment like everybody else? I could definitely put that money in a mutual fund and make an 11% return long-term and just eat the mortgage payments. But I've seen what monthly interest payments can do. The lenders want you to be stuck with them for 30 years. Heck, our student loans got to the point where they didn't want another payment from us until 2016-- they want you to only pay the minimum because that's how they make the money.
Thanks mom, for the inspiration to save up cash for a house. As long as I can remember, she told us to work for a couple of years after getting married and save save save. What an incredible idea. That's what I'm doing now. :)
Okay, phew. Sorry for all of the finance talk, that's just what I focused on when I graduated, so I've become a little obsessed. Here are some other things I want to learn:
1. Get a firm grasp on the concept of the Covenant of Grace. Be able to explain paedobaptism to Natalie, because she sure doesn't want our babies being sprinkled right now. I read a book on reformed theology, just a big overview, and it was really good... there's just so much to it and the concepts are very new to me.
2. Understand myself a little better. I've been feelling a little introverted lately, slightly overwhelmed in certain social situations, which is very unfamiliar to me.
3. Learn about the history of capitialism, consumerism. Any suggestions here? I've only heard of a book called "Jobs, Machines, and Capitialism" but I'm not sure of the content.
4. Learn how to troubleshoot/debug software. I'm getting much better at troubleshooting problems on computers, but there's always room to grow here. I'm such a nerd.
5. More job-related: Learn how a doctor's office works, from when a patient walks in the door to when the check comes from the insurance company. Maybe I could find some office manager training material.
6. More job-related: Learn about routers, learn how to do a CAT5 cable drop from start to finish, learn more about VBScript (sweet language, incredibly useful).
That's all. Thanks for reading
Oh, P.S...
My new favorite song:
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Jumped in my car last Saturday night
Had a blind date she was out of sight
She was a chick from the canine scene
Her hair was blue, her teeth were green
Drove down to the Lone Star Bar
Scratched her flea as I parked the car
As the place was full of punks and minks
Got a little table and a couple of drinks
Went to the bathroom and combed my hair
Left my baby at the table there
Looked in the mirror and I wiped my nose
And when I came back, what do you suppose?
The boys in blue had my baby on the floor
They were asking her if she wanted some more
They pulled out a net, they pulled out a leash
They said they were the...
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
(awooooo)
I guess I should have noticed that box of filled bones
She sniffed the cups in my stereo phone
She barked so much she was on fire
She wented outside and whizzed on my tire
Havin’ those puppies was a little insane
But boy she loved that gravy train
Next time you’re out with a real strange beast
Make sure she’s not wanted by the....
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Dog Police! (Bow Wow)where are you coming from
Dog Police! nobody knows who you are
(ruff ruff ruff ruff)
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Maeby had an accident
Natalie and I left Maeby (our new dog... I don't know if she's been mentioned on here) out of her kennel while we dropped by Target for a few minutes. We thought she'd be okay since she's gotten over her bladder stones and has been pretty well-behaved for the last couple of days. Little did we know she was preparing some sort of fecal helicopter attack for the bathroom...
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