Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I've always had a drive inside of me. I've always tried to do as well as I could at something. When I was young, I would practice soccer constantly so I could be the best on my team. In school, I always studied until the early hours of the morning. In my work, I am always trying to learn as much as I can to do my job as well as I can.

But why?

I was thinking about this the other night while I was falling asleep (which happens to be when I think up a lot of blog-worthy subjects but they slip away after I fall asleep). And I think I came to a conclusion. I've always just assumed that it was only because I had older brothers (3 and 5 years older) who were always more talented, bigger, smarter, faster than I was. I just wanted to keep up, right? But I don't think that's what it was.

Before I got into college, I felt like I wouldn't be able to pass my classes because I didn't have enough knowledge from homeschooling. Before I got into the workforce, I always felt like I wouldn't have enough skills to get/hold a job. Before I got married, I feared that I wouldn't know how to love my wife in the slightest.

So what drives me? I think it's a pervasive fear of failure. Not debilitating, but nagging. Always a whisper letting me know that at any moment, I could make a huge mistake and lose something.

Now, I don't have some enlightened conclusion to this. Just some thoughts. I think recognizing a problem is a good way to begin to address it. All I have to do is look back in my life-- I am not a giant failure. I am blessed beyond anything I could have imagined: I have a beautiful wife whom I love very much, an incredible job about which I get excited every Sunday evening, I hold a degree from a highly, HIGHLY reputable university (cawwww!), and everything is just fine. God is sovereign and there's nothing I can do about that, so I will take what He offers, do the work He gives me and let Him worry about the details.

Hopefully I'll be able to write some more posts soon. No point having a blog if we don't write in it, eh?

1 comment:

Martha Elaine Belden said...

great post, graham. love the introspection. i think it's good to desire to always do and be your best... but i think it's even more important to check yourself and ask "why" you want to be and do your best. is it for your own glory, pride, recognition? or because you want to fully be what God created you to be?

i'm not saying i even remotely live up to any of this... but i think it's great you're checking yourself and trying to figure it out.

and you certainly are blessed. we all really truly are.